Sometimes I forget

View from the (near) top of the Makapu'u Lighthouse Trail

... how lucky I am to live in Hawai'i.  On the days that I work, I leave when it's dark, and get home at bedtime.  And when I'm at work, the only windows I could look out of are the patients' windows.  Very few hours are actually spent admiring this beautiful place.  Finally, I was reminded of why I'm still HERE this past Thursday. 

We had been talking quite a bit about how much we miss going on hikes.  We've always wanted to take Audrey out to one, but wanted her to actually walk it, not be carried through one.  As for strollers, we haven't used one since she was... two?  Anyway, I started looking through some places that she could try out.  Nothing too steep, too muddy, too long, etc.  My sister suggested the Makapu'u Lighthouse Trail, somewhere I've never been. (Probably because it's on the opposite side and there are other trails so much nearer.)  So on my day off, we decided to go out and try it.  

 

Here she is marking the beginning of the hike

It was raining when we drove out.  The sky cleared up as the day went on.

We will definitely come back here again.

One of my favorite parts of the hike?  Watching Daddy show his little girl around.

Makapu'u Lighthouse

She did it!  Walked the whole two miles.  AND she wants to do it again!

And finally some other things to see on the trail: clockwise from left: the lighthouse, looking straight down from the top, cactus flowers galore! 

This has opened up SO MANY possibilities for us.  Looking forward to enjoying more of this island.  Finally!

It's been an ocean craft kind of week

Ok, so I didn't actually get to watch any Doctor Who episodes today but I do still want to write something up, especially since I've fallen a little behind on my assignments and I've got to work the next couple of days.  (For the new visitors, I work 12 hour days but actually start the day at 4:15am for the commute and get home about 8:30pm, at which time I get my daughter ready for bed, read her stories, and then get whatever I need ready for the next morning.)   So where was I?  Oh yeah, I want to write something.  So what to write about? 

Three years ago, I wrote a post about how I wanted to be 2 years old again.  Unfortunately, I yet have to learn that kind of freedom from (my own) scrutiny.  I have, however, had the chance to spend quite a bit of time working on arts and crafts with my little girl this week and be like a five year old again.  Last Wednesday we were on our weekly visit to the library and picked up another of the Williamson Little Hands books.  So on my days off this week, we pulled out her box of craft supplies and got our hands covered in glue and paint.  So far, we've made ourselves a mobile, a shark, a squid, and found a jellyfish that she made earlier in the week without me.  I may not have had a chance to work on my assignments this week, but I sure enjoyed watching her get creative.  I hope she never outgrows it.  I hope that when she's thirty-six years old she'll still love peeling the glue off her hands and won't mind the paint on her face.  

"Sharkala"  Yeah... she also has a blue Beta she calls "Blue Fin", a white can named "White Snow", you get the gist

Her mobile =)

Detail of the treasure chest she drew and cut out

An ocean painting -- that's a pink dolphin and silver flying fish.  The animal in the water is a frog, of course, couldn't you tell from the feet?

Her jellyfish.  Still needs a name.

  

To my first baby on your birthday

1st baby in the family.

2 times you made my heart stop-- when you disappeared under the waves after suddenly becoming brave enough to run into the water, and when you disappeared out of the (slowly) moving car window. 

3 people who love you with all their hearts

4 little front teeth that are always visible when you want something

5 years of being a good "big brother"

6 photos of you that won flickr challenges

7 tricks that you do without hesitation: sit, shake, high-five, lay down, roll over, speak, dance

8 more brothers and sisters in the litter, but you stood out though EVERYONE was adorable

 

9 brindle spots on your otherwise all white fur

 10 wonderful years of love and smiles 

Happy Birthday, Winston!

Oh but it's been a roller coaster week!

And hopefully it will all start to slow down in the next couple of days.  Where should I begin?

Last week was Nurses' Week.  As I've mentioned in the past, I LOVE what I do, and even if I didn't have to work, I would probably still do it part time.  I've worked at the same hospital for the last ten years and this year, I was recognized as the Nurse of the Year. =)

Lovely engraved koa box on the left along with orchid leis =)

Along with my lovely certificate and leis from my manager and the administration, I got a beautiful engraved koa box that my daughter is already eyeballing.  The hospital celebrated Nurses' Week with different events and free gifts for the nurses throughout the week and a fancy little luncheon for the nurses recognized as "Nurse of the Year."  While waiting for me to get done at the luncheon, my hubby and sister decided to go out hiking that day.  Since they weren't expecting me to be gone too long, they chose a short trail in Aiea.  Turned out that the place was even muddier than usual that day and they ended up slip and sliding their way through it.  No big deal.  They made it out, and we had a good day for the rest of the day.

The next night, Chris started to feel awful.  High fevers, nausea, vomiting, body aches, you name it.  Flu?  Maybe.  Something else from hiking?  Hopefully not.  He rode it through, but it also meant that I had to stay home from work over the weekend since he was supposed to be watching Audrey while I was at work.  So... that was my Mothers Day weekend.  I didn't go to work, though I was scheduled to do so, but I got to take care of my poor sick husband and kept him quarantined from the rest of the family, much to Audrey's dismay ("I miss getting hugs and kisses at night!").  I think we made it up to her by the fact that I slept with her all weekend so I wouldn't get sick as well, just in case.  And for my efforts, my sweet little girl made me a lovely bracelet for Mother's Day.

My Mother's Day bracelet from Audrey

As for today?  Got to make strawberry banana smoothies with my girl, and took her Daddy to urgent care to get some labs done.  He hasn't been feeling any better, still having sky high fevers and when we took him to urgent care yesterday, there were no physicians available. *sigh*  He didn't really want to go to the emergency room, so we waited until this morning to finally see someone.  Now we just wait for his lab results since apparently it isn't the flu hmmmm...  I just hope he gets well soon.

Before the blending.  I love the honey down the side. Yum!

Tomorrow?  Another doctor's visit for what my PCP thinks may be a hemangioma on my neck and loads of photo taking for ADAY.org  Maybe my dermatologist will let me take pictures of all his equipment. =P  And if you're going to be carrying a camera around with you tomorrow anyway, it's not too late to join me!

Redecorating

If you've been here before, you'll note that I've done a little bit of redecorating.  In the past, I may have just abandoned this page completely and started a new one.  But I've just looked at the LAST blog that I left behind and I actually rather miss it.  This time, I know I need a change, but I'm going about it a little differently.  Why not turn this place into what I want, instead of wiping it all out?  I'll just consider it growth. =)  I'll probably continue to make a few tweaks here and there, but for now, I like that it's brighter than before.  And the fact that I prefer brighter is a very good sign. 

Much of the inspiration has come from the work that I've done with Karen's Path Finder class.  With her help, I was finally able to come up with my word for the year (I know it's already almost mid-year, but better late than never).  The word?  Bloom. 

Some of Merriam-Webster's definition of bloom: 

"to mature into achievement of one's potential"

"to flourish in youthful beauty, freshness, or excellence"

"an outward evidence of freshness or healthy vigor"

and even: 

"a bar of iron or steel hammered or rolled from an ingot"

I like it.  Now on to the next step-- finding ways to bloom.

“Play is the exultation of the possible.” Martin Buber

My fairy dancing with her shadow

Perfectionism is my bane.  I let this site go for a long time without posting because I couldn't post as regularly as I would've liked.  No one said I had to post daily.  No one said I had to post weekly.  But all these little rules that I've set up for myself kept me from doing ANY posting because I couldn't do it perfectly.  So. No more imposing silly little rules.  Instead, I've decided to make this fun.  I've decided to PLAY.  That doesn't sound like such a difficult thing, does it?  Playing.  But it is for me.  So, what does that mean?  Well, as far as this blog goes, it means posting when I get the chance.  I couldn't possibly fail at "when I get the chance", right? 

What else does it mean?  Well, it means tinkering with my camera once again.  It means carrying the point-and-shoot around and using it.  (Too bad my DSLR is too bulky)  I could get on the bandwagon and do the instagram thing, but I still forget that I have THAT camera with me all the time.  I use it as a phone, my internet when away from my computer, my calendar.  But as a camera?  Someone always has to remind me that it's there.  Maybe I need one of those phone skins that make it look more like a camera.  Hmmm... until then, it's point-and-shoot in my purse.  

But more importantly, playing means allowing myself ME time without feeling guilty about it.  Maybe it's my Catholic upbringing.  Maybe it's my Filipino upbringing.  It's probably both.   Catholics and Filipinos are experts in guilt, and I've got plenty of that.  Anyway, overcoming the guilt will be quite the challenge.  To help me with it, I've decided to join a group of folks in finding our "beautiful different" with the help of Karen Walrond.  It all starts today and I'm looking forward to what the future will bring.  I hope that this post will be the beginning of my new adventure into playfulness, and an end to my guilt.

If I could switch lives for one day...

So cuddly, a photo by NurseNinja on Flickr.

it would be with my dog. After a long day like today, I can only wish that I'd be this comfy in bed tonight. Why did I sign up to write a blog entry every day again?

I was ALWAYS there. I was just behind the camera.

At the Greek Festival

Here I've been telling myself that I need to take more pictures, when all along I missed four important words to go with that goal: "with me in them."

I found this article via a photographer friend on how to take family self portraits.  I suffer from two problems: 1. I utterly dislike having my photograph taken, and 2. I enjoy being the one taking the photographs.  Unfortunately, this means that whenever we do something, I'm very rarely in the photographs.  I take the photos to document all the fun things we've done, but years from now, when Audrey looks through those photographs, will she remember that I was there with her?  Even sadder is the fact that after being with Chris for seventeen years, we have few photos together to show for it.  (I'm just glad we "splurged" for the wedding photographer!)  Now I just have to get the tripod out and start bringing my point-and-shoot with us again (I'm not about to hand over my DSLR to a stranger!)

Another year older. More grateful than ever.

Dr. Who themed cake made by my sister

Yesterday was one of the most memorable birthdays I've had, thanks to my wonderful family.  The hubby, kid, and I spent the day at the lagoons in Ko'olina and then had dinner out with the rest of the family.  It sounds like such a simple day, but it couldn't be more perfect for me.  Well... maybe I could've done without the sunburn.  I did say more grateful, not  wiser. 

“Ideas can be life-changing. Sometimes all you need to open the door is just one more good idea.” -- Jim Rohn

I don't know what it is about September, but around this time is when I always want to start things over.  Fresh start. New beginning.  Maybe it's because it's my birthday.  *shrug*  All I know is that I've got a ton of ideas, new things to try, old projects to revisit.

When words become unclear, I shall focus with photographs. When images become inadequate, I shall be content with silence. --Ansel Adams

Caress the detail, the divine detail -- Vladimir Nabokov

 

Protea

My sister made this Easter cake especially for my daughter.  The cake itself was yummy, but we've been saving the egg itself because it's so cute.  When my sister brought the cake over, she told Audrey that the egg was a dinosaur egg, and that's why it's so much bigger than the bunny.  So when we finally decided to crack into the egg today, Audrey was surprised to see that it was made of rice crispies.  "Where's the dinosaur?!"  Gotta love her.

a closer look

To write or not to write. THAT is the question.

image source here

Yesterday was the first day of Beyond Blogging for Scrapbookers.  I got so caught up in looking through people's blogs that I 1) didn't get to write my own entry, and 2) forgot to feed my kid lunch.  Yeah... it was probably a good thing that she was going to be with her grandmother for the rest of the day.  

Quite a few people wrote about how they started blogging and why.  I wrote my own version of it about a year ago and I had to go back and re-read it.  It's fascinating how different my thoughts are now from what they were back then.  Yes, blogging is still a good way for me to "focus", but I wonder how much of that has kept me from writing these past few months.   Could I have written more if I wasn't so busy censoring myself?

I started out blogging as a way to get in touch with some people working through Julia Cameron's The Artist's Way.  Once I felt more comfortable sharing my writing, it became a way to let friends and distant family know what was going on in my family's life.  One thing was certain, I wrote quite sporadically.  Not only would I disappear for indeterminate lengths of time, but I would be full of optimism one minute and doom and gloom the next.  My sister once told me she could tell when I was depressed from reading my entries. That brought me here.  

I originally created this new(er) blog in hopes to stay away from any negativity on my part.  I wasn't quite sure WHAT I would be writing about, but I knew I wanted to focus on the positive.  I was even doing alright for a while until the end of November and the entire month of December.  How could I stay positive after that?  And so I stopped writing.  Again.  I mean, who wants to read about depression?  But now I wonder.  Is it possible to avoid writing about it when I DO suffer from depression?  I STILL want to focus on the positive side of my life.  Surely, I can find something to write about that won't bring everyone down.  If nothing else, I could always post a photograph instead.  So here I am now.  Taking yet another class.  Hoping that it will help me find my online voice.  I know I want to write.  I know I love to read creative and inspiring blogs.  I DON'T want to be a downer.  But could I really still find my voice if I omit a part of myself?  How does one decide what to keep in and what to leave out?  What would you do? 

I guess it's a good thing I've signed up for this class. =)

Getting back in

IMG_7668, a photo by NurseNinja on Flickr.

As I've mentioned a couple of posts back, I've been a bit stuck.  Lora had a wonderful suggestion of maybe trying NaBloPoMo, but I think I'll take it a little slower.  As tough as I can get with myself, I think that a daily entry may be too much for me to handle at this time.  I would like to attempt it again at some point, though.  Perhaps by this summer?  We'll see.  For now, I've gone a different route.  Another class to try.  

Shimelle is starting  a new class on Monday, and I've decided to join in.  I really enjoyed the previous classes as can be seen by some of my initial posts, so I figured, why not?  It's a good way to get back into blogging, and there isn't the kind of "pressure" I put on myself with NaBloPoMo.  As much as I've fallen behind on some of Shimelle's classes, I love the fact that I can go back to the lessons any time I want to.  In fact, I probably will be revisiting those prompts this upcoming year.  So, here's hoping that Beyond Blogging for Scrapbookers will get the writing juices flowing again.  If nothing else, I suppose I could just post a few more random photos. =)  

I haven't been this excited about posting in a while.  I'm looking forward to it.   

"A weed is but an unloved flower." --Ella Wheeler Wilcox

"A weed is but an unloved flower." --Ella Wheeler Wilcox, a photo by NurseNinja on Flickr.

Stuck

Stuck, a photo by NurseNinja on Flickr.

I've been wanting/itching to get my blogging restarted, but I can't seem to find the words lately. I've got all kinds of topics and ideas, but I just can't seem to get unstuck. I'm hoping that in a month, I'll be posting more regularly.

At the Iao Valley

At the Iao Needle, a photo by NurseNinja on Flickr.

The test

steps leading out of the Cathedral chapel at the USAFAcademy Chapel

Less than a week from my last post, our world turned upside down.  I always said that my life could be a soap opera.  What I would give for a normal life.  

Dec. 4th.  My sister called my husband in hysterics-- her husband, J,  suffered a gun shot wound.  Chris had no idea where she was calling from and what condition J was in.  I called her back, hoping she would answer the phone.  She was home.  

When I got to her apartment, the cops were blocking her doorway, and my sister sat slumped in front of her car, wearing someone else's clothes.  Her own clothes were too bloody.  No one would give her answers.  J was already taken to the trauma center.  We drove there and were met by one of their close friends who just happens to be a physician.  He pulled us aside, tried to calm my sister, and asked if she wanted to see him.  "He only has a little time left," he said.  My sister collapsed  to the ground and screamed J's name.  We were able to get her a wheelchair to the trauma room where he lay. 

I always thought that when an emergency arose, my nursing instinct would kick in and I would be calm, clinical.  Boy was I wrong.  Seeing him laying on that gurney with blood dripping down to the floor... hearing the breath get knocked out of my sister... I couldn't help but sob.  I had only enough sense to grab a chair for my sister and hold her up as she cried out his name and grabbed his hand.  Their pastor, who followed us to the hospital, sat by J's ear and read scripture.  J's mother, also a nurse, stood on the other side, humming a lullaby.  The respirator breathed for him, monitors above him showed his vital signs. 

-----------

He was 29.  I've known him since he was 15 and lived in the house across from ours.  He was just the punk kid dating my sister.  A few years later he became one of our closest friends and even moved into my home and lived there for almost a year.  He was a groomsman in our wedding.  He videotaped my daughter's birth.  I never referred to him as my brother-in-law, always he was my brother.  

------------

He died at about 2:23PM.  The last thing I remembered doing was wiping a trickle of blood from his ear.  

_______

We were going to put our tree up early this year.  We were going to do it that weekend, in fact.  Instead I spent the next few nights with my sister, staying up on watch, making sure she was eating, drinking, even taking a shower. Christmas shopping be damned.  Luckily, we had a few things ordered early for a few people.  The kids should at least have their presents.

I said I wouldn't let fear or discomfort get in my way again.  But did I really need to be tested so soon?  For two weeks I was surrounded by prayer.  I watched as their pastor spent hours on end consoling my sister and J's family.  I stood there as people prayed all around me.  I even attended their church for a sermon dedicated to J.  Ironically, I missed my friend's burial that day. I knew she would forgive me, knowing that I had to stand with my sister on her first day to church without J.

I used to tease my sister that she joined a cult.  I have never been happier that she found religion.  It was the one thing that truly held her up during this ordeal.  

________

The day before the burial, I was at the cemetery for J's private viewing.  I knew R was buried there and asked for directions to her grave.  When I looked at the piece of paper they gave me, I thought that maybe I was remembering some things incorrectly.  We drove up to her grave.  Sure enough, it was in the same area that J was to be buried the next day.  As I got closer, tears began to well up.  Could it be?  The freshest grave was kitty corner to J's.  As I reached J's grave, I walked a few steps and looked at the flowers on the nearby grave.  There was the wreath my co-workers and I ordered for R.  There was her name plate.  R.G.  37 years old.  What are the chances?  Yes, it was one of the newer areas of the cemetery.  But for the corners to be touching?  

J's father came by.  They wanted to see where J was going to be buried the next day.  Their family was confused.  Why was I crying on this other grave?  When I told them about my friend, he said, "There is no such thing as coincidence."  

Perhaps not.  
_________

We put our tree up on the 21st.  Audrey was excited to find that Santa got the presents she "always wanted!"  There were tears on Christmas day.  But there was also a lot of laughter.  We'll miss you, J.  We'll move on, but you'll always be in our hearts.  

 

Lesson learned

looking up from inside the Air Force Academy Chapel

Ever been too busy to mourn?  Apparently, I have.  But my subconscious would only let me get away with it for so long.

A friend died almost two weeks ago.  She had been fighting cancer for a while now, travelling out of the state for an experimental drug and trying out radiation.  She was young.  Only a couple of years older than me.  She was the most doting sister and aunt.  A wife still as madly in love with her husband as when she first fell for him.  

She had been doing well before the last hospitalization.  We were supposed to get together.  I didn't make it. 

I'm sorry, R.  I was weak.  I stayed away because I was uncomfortable.  Not with your illness.  That I could deal with.  My faith failed me.  Or more accurately, my lack of faith failed me.  Failed you.  Though talking about God and speaking in scriptures helped you deal with everything that was going on, I was uncomfortable with it.  But I should never have let that get in my way.  I was weak.  And I'm sorry.  I know in my heart that you have already forgiven me this.  It's just the kind of thing you would do.  Now I know.  I'll never let something like fear and discomfort get in my way again.  Life is short.  I only wish I hadn't learned the lesson this way.